Lesson Five: Friendship in Marriage

When my husband Jeff and I first met each other, I had my heart already set on this kid I had met five years earlier and was pretty certain that we were going to get married. So since I already had this idea cemented in my head, it was clear to me that Jeff and I were just friends having fun. I’m not recommending that this is the best idea and definitely not the only way to become good friends with your spouse before you marry, but it did give us the opportunity to get to know each other really well without having anything else or any other feelings get in the way. 
As we hung out, I knew I really liked being around him and we had lots of fun together but I also recognized that he liked me a lot and would like to have our friendship become something more. So after several months of spending lots of time together, I decided it wasn’t fair to him and I broke off our friendship. The next week was awful for me and him. It took us finally being apart for me to really appreciate what I had, and I was then able to realize that my feelings for him were much more than just being good friends!  After one long, lonely week, we started hanging out again, which quickly turned to dating exclusively, and within a few months we were engaged and soon after, married! Our marriage is not perfect, and our first few years of marriage were really hard, but we’ve been married sixteen years now and overall it has been a really fun, happy, and fulfilling marriage for both of us.

In the past, I've thought about what has helped our marriage be as strong as it is, I have attributed it to us becoming really good friends before we started dating. So I found it super interesting when reading the first few chapters in the book, “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman, where he suggests from his research that strong friendship within a marriage is what makes a strong marriage. I feel like I’ve witnessed this first hand with our marriage, and totally agree. I’m grateful that Jeff and I were able to establish a very strong friendship before we became anything more. In the book, Gottman said this, “our ability to survive negativity in our marriage is based on the strength of our friendship.”

The book further explains why the importance of building a friendship with your spouse. Gottman mentions repair attempts which are “any statement or action – silly or otherwise- that prevents negativity from escalating out of control” and the success of the repair attempts depend on the strength of the couple’s friendship. It’s important to remember that we all say or do things to each other that are unkind and may hurt your spouse, but when we have a deep friendship our marriages can remain strong and healthy because our repair attempts will be effective. Gottman says this about strong marriages, and this is how I would define what a strong marital friendship entails as well, “husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don’t just “get along” – they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.” A strong marital friendship includes wanting the best for your spouse and putting their needs above yours because you want to and you care about them. I think a strong marital friendship is not just loving your spouse but liking their personality and being around them as well. I try to tell my spouse (and my children) often that I like them. I want my husband to know that I like to be with him, I like to laugh and have fun with him, I like his personality, and that I just really like him all around!