Dr. Gottman, in the book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work suggests the importance of responding to our partner’s “bids for attention, affection, humor or support”, and that it is through these small and simple things that are done every day that instill fire and passion in your marriage. He adds, “what’s really occurring in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting-they are attuning by turning towards each other.” I was surprised when I read that this is what fuels deep romance but after continuing on in the book and thinking about it, I also believe it to be true that it is through small and simple things, recognizing your partners bids for attention and then turning towards your spouse that marriages become what they are fully intended to be.
It’s been interesting as I've thought about this throughout the week, I noticed that there are many bids for attention given all throughout the day, and sadly, many times, go unnoticed or are rejected because I’m in the middle of something and feel too busy to stop and respond like I wish I would. My husband sat on the couch near the corner seat, and I noticed he arranged a few pillows in the corner like I do before I sit down there, but didn’t think much into it. As we were talking, this lesson got brought up and my husband pointed to the corner of the couch right next to him with the pillows set up and said, “these pillows are my bid for attention to have you sit next to me!” We laughed as we noticed I totally missed that and moved over closer to him. We finished talking about what I have been learning in class and then we discussed what he has been struggling with at work. What was just a simple, little action, a bid for attention, turned into a conversation that helped us re-connect on what was going on in our individual lives.
There are many challenges that come in the way of turning towards one another. One challenge is definitely what I mentioned above. We all have to do lists, and if I’m in the middle of trying to get something done, which can feel like most the time, I don’t even notice the many of the bids for attention that occur, and if I do notice, I don’t want to stop and address it cause I’ve got to get whatever I'm working on done. This makes me sad to realize, but motivated to do better because I want my husband (and my kids) to recognize that they are the most important, not my to-do list. We resolve this by slowing down and prioritizing, which help us from becoming too consumed by less important things. This creates a state of mind that is clear and able to recognize the other person's needs and then act. Another cause for not turning towards others is that our focus is on ourselves instead of our spouse and those we love. Pres. Hinckley said this, “I find selfishness to be the root cause of most of (the problems that lead to broken homes). I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.” Concern for the well-being of our partners definitely includes watching for and acting upon bids for attention which help us to turn towards our spouses in love and unselfishness.
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